Feature Article When Parents Disagree - Why and what to do “My husband likes to “run a tight ship” with the kids. He has very strict views about mealtimes, bedtimes and toy tidiness. I like to be more lenient and go with the flow. We argue about the kids all the time. What should we do? Sound familiar? Disagreements in the home about child rearing are almost inevitable. Why? Because personalities and gender differences influence our parenting styles, as does the way we, ourselves, were parented. Rarely do we have the same childhood histories as our partners, and these childhood experiences definitely impact the way we parent our own children. Also, traditional roles of mothers and fathers as we once knew them are not so clearly defined. With more mothers working outside the home and more fathers taking an active role in child rearing, the issue of who makes decisions about the children is not so clear. Consequently, parenting conflicts easily can arise. Are parenting conflicts harmful to children? This depends. Occasional clashes probably are not harmful, but chronic, heated fighting is distressing for children and certainly not healthy. Further, if parenting disagreements result in contradictory messages to children, it is almost impossible for children to know what is expected of them or how to behave. No wonder behavioral problems occur! It is not surprising why households with ongoing, unresolved parenting conflicts can be breeding grounds for such behaviors as children’s aggression, temper tantrums, moodiness, disrespect and flat out refusal to follow rules. Also, frequent parenting disputes and conflicting messages may put a child in the uncomfortable position of having to choose one parent's way over the other's way. This can cause children to feel anxiety and guilt, and, as mentioned above, can cause them to behave unfavorably. Keep in mind that absolute parenting consensus probably is not realistic, nor is it necessary if parents are able to resolve conflicts in a responsible manner. If children witness their parents resolving differences peacefully, children will learn that people, including their parents, can work through disagreements without relying on aggressive and combative tactics. Although child rearing disputes may be difficult and stressful, if managed well, they are good opportunities for parents to teach children a valuable life skill. So, how do we resolve parenting conflicts in a healthy way? Effective and ongoing communication between parents is one of the key ingredients. Ideally, to communicate successfully, both parents will want to talk and to be understood, and will want to hear and to understand. Hearing and understanding take effort. It is easy to misinterpret what someone is saying, so we really need to concentrate on listening and trying to understand. Acknowledging what others are saying and what they are feeling also is important. It helps to have child -rearing discussions when there are no pressing parenting decisions to make, or conflicts to resolve. Take time, away from your children, to talk with your partner about your values on child rearing, and how/why you came to feel the way you do. This should help both of you have a better understanding of one another, and give you an opportunity to work through some of your value differences at a time when neither of you is upset. Also, discuss the aspects of child rearing on which you concur, and try to come to an agreement on the standards and behaviors you expect from your child. Identify your individual parenting strengths and weakness, and who, by nature of skill, personality, gender or relationship with your child, may be better able to manage certain parenting challenges. For example, mom may have more tolerance with toilet training, while dad may be better able to mediate episodes of sibling warfare. If full agreement cannot be reached, try to compromise with a bit of give and take. If this doesn’t work, for the sake and well being of the children, one parent may need to defer to the other parent and quietly agree to disagree. Naturally, deferring to the other parent excludes any situation or technique that is abusive. Take parenting disputes behind closed doors, and out of children’s earshot. For the most part, children do not need to participate or be included in these adult discussions. Further, it is important to respect the other parent's relationship with his or her child. If you do not agree with what your partner does, try not to talk about it when tempers are flaring or in front of your child. Negotiation and coming to a compromise in front of your child is one thing, but out-right disapproval of what one parent has said or done is another. Also, remember to spend your energy attacking the issue or problem not the other person, especially your child’s parent. When conflicts over parenting issues create ongoing conflict, consider seeking outside assistance. A skilled family counselor can help guide families through rocky situations. Additionally, a parenting course is a wonderful way to learn new skills and to meet other parents who often are grappling with similar problems. A good book can be helpful too. Ultimately, good communication will help form the platform of a solid parenting relationship and go a long way towards resolving parenting disagreements. Indeed, parenting is hard work but aren’t your kids worth the effort? References: Gray, J. 2004. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. NY: Harper Paperbacks. TaffeI, R. 1994. Why Parents Disagree & What You Can do About It . NY: Avon Books. Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don't Understand. NY: Morrow.
Thevenin, T. (1993). Mothering and Fathering. NY: Avery Publishing.
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