Peer Attachment Prototypes

SECURE: Positive self-model, positive other-model

Key Features: high coherence, high self-confidence, positive approach to others, high intimacy in relationships

Secure individuals are forthcoming and thoughtful in the interview. They have learned from their past relationship experiences, and are able to evaluate current and past relationships realistically. Their interviews flow easily with appropriate degrees of elaboration, a lack of defensiveness, and coherent and well-organized responses. They come across as warm and likeable.

When confronted with problems or upsetting matters, secure individuals respond flexibly. They actively cope, tending to show a variety of effective coping strategies including going to others as a source of support. To quote one secure individual, "When I'm upset, I talk it over with my friends or other people in my support structure. Sometimes, I go for a walk and it tends to take care of it. At other times, I just deal with it if it is a problem that I can deal with right away." Secure individuals are moderately emotionally expressive, and are likely to cry at least sometimes.

Secure individuals have a positive self-model and have moderate to high self-confidence. For example, one individual stated: "I can walk into a room and be really comfortable with perfect strangers." Another secure person when asked about any changes they'd like to see in the way others relate to them said: "I really strongly believe that you teach others how to treat you. So for me, I'm in control of that. If I don't like the way someone is treating me, I do something about it, and I tell them." These individuals tend to be in the moderate range in emotional dependence.  For example, one secure individual said: "It's important to have your own friends and interests outside the relationship so I really try and cultivate my own." Another said: "Having this year for me by myself and him someplace else has been good for us to make sure that we can still stand on our own two feet and not lean on each other too much."

Secure individuals have a positive other-model. They demonstrate a strong liking for others, and are warm and affectionate toward others. They tend to be proximity seeking and are comfortable crying in front of others and disclosing to others. They engage in constructive conflict resolution. In general, a secure person will have close, mutual relationships with others. Correspondingly, others' impressions of them are likely to be generally positive; they are likely to be seen as warm, friendly, and dependable. Note that secure individuals may be extraverted and outgoing or more introverted; it is their basic sociability or liking and appreciation of others that is of relevance.

For the secure individual, friendships are important. Their friendships are characterized as intimate, close, mutual, etc. They engage in high disclosure with their friends, and they can express their negative feelings to their friends.

Their romantic relationships are also characterized by intimacy, closeness, mutual respect and involvement, disclosure, etc. They do not necessarily have perfect relationships, but they can make realistic appraisals of their partners and the issues in their relationships. When asked about the ideal relationship, one secure person responded: "Is there an ideal relationship? I think that you can strive for the best that you can offer each other." They are able to resolve conflicts constructively. If secure individuals are not currently involved in romantic relationships, they are likely to have been previously involved, or to have a reasonable explanation for their current lack of involvement.

FEARFUL: Negative self-model, negative other-model

Key Features: low self-confidence and avoidance of intimacy due to fear of rejection, conflicting motives of both wanting and fearing intimacy, high self-consciousness

Fearful individuals come across as insecure, hesitant, vulnerable, and self-conscious. They are likely to engage in frequent nervous laughter. While fearful individuals are typically uncomfortable in the interview setting, many eventually warm up and become very disclosing (though the material may still generate anxiety)--as if they are relieved to finally have found a non-judgmental person to listen to them. Referring to the interview, one individual said: "It was pretty difficult. It's not the sort of thing I talk about. But I guess it's good to say it out loud 'cause I think about it a lot." In fact, it is most often fearful subjects who claim to reveal some personal secret for the first time (e.g., a homosexual orientation, history of sexual abuse, experience of abuse in their current relationship, etc.).

When confronted with problems or upsetting matters, fearful individuals are emotionally reactive, but do not actively deal with their distress. They don't go to others for support. They acknowledge feeling bad but are hesitant to show that they are upset in front of others. They are not emotionally expressive, and don't cry in front of others.

Fearful individuals have negative self-models. They have low self-confidence (e.g., "I have lots of insecurities about myself as a person. I feel very inadequate."; "I hope people like me but I don't expect it. I really don't know what people think of me but I don't get a lot of positive reinforcement.") Their negative self-model is reflected in high emotional dependence, high jealousy, and high separation anxiety. They are likely to worry that others don't like them, or that others view them as stupid, unattractive, or boring (e.g., "I've always equated looks with love and so I find it really hard to see how he wouldn't want to dump me for someone much more attractive than me.") Sometimes they claim that others see them as stuck-up or aloof, but insist that this is a misinterpretation of their shyness. Fearful individuals will typically say that they wish to open up more or to become more socially confident.

Fearful individuals have difficulty developing trust. They want contact with others, however they feel that they do not "fit in" and are extremely sensitive to any signs of rejection. When they are in relationships, they are dependent, and often describe themselves as lonely. They are also likely to worry about never finding a relationship partner, or never being wanted by someone in the future. For example, one individual who appeared to be in a happy, stable marriage commented: "He proves to me constantly that he'll still be there five years down the road, but I still worry that he won't be there for me anymore."

Fearful individuals have a negative other-model. They avoid approaching others for support unless they feel certain of a positive response. They avoid conflict, crying in front of others, and self-disclosure because they are afraid of rejection. They are uncomfortable with affection, especially in public. They are shy and self-conscious. For example, one fearful individual said: "I am very uncomfortable around people; [compared to others] I am much more self-conscious about myself, and the kind of person I am."

Fearful individuals may have a few close friendships but they are likely to have taken years to establish these friendships. They feel more invested in their relationships than their friends and are less in control of the course of the friendships. They are inhibited in their disclosure and avoid conflict in their friendships.

Fearful individuals find it difficult to become involved in romantic relationships. For example, when asked why they didn't date, one fearful person said "I don't want to be rejected or seen in a negative light." When involved in a romantic relationship, they assume a passive role, are very dependent, and tend to be more invested in the relationship than their partner. They are very insecure within the relationship and tend to blame themselves for problems (e.g., "Every argument we've had has been my fault because I'm an idiot.") They have difficultly openly communicating and showing feelings to their partners. One person said: "I'm incapable of vocalizing my emotions. I'm afraid that I'll say something that will ruin the relationship." They avoid conflict in relationships, and have a hard time breaking off relationships because of their fear of ever finding another relationship).
 

PREOCCUPIED: Negative self-model; positive other-model

Key features: preoccupied with relationships, incoherent and idealizing in discussing relationships, highly dependent on others for self-esteem, approach oriented in relationships

Preoccupied individuals are highly expressive. Their interviews are characterized by high elaboration, high emotional content (often crying during the interview), and low coherence. They have difficulty keeping on track, shift between idealizing and devaluing significant others, frequently contradict themselves, and, in general, show a lack of clarity and objectivity in discussing their close relationships.

Preoccupied individuals are both emotionally reactive and emotionally expressive (at the extreme, histrionic). When confronted with problems or upsetting matters, preoccupied individuals react very strongly or overreact. They have difficulty in dealing with their problems without others' help; their impulse is to immediately go to others when they feel bad. One individual said: "I can't leave emotions on strings, [so when she told me on the phone we were breaking up], I had to go over and talk to her. She'd locked herself in the bathroom so I broke down the door." They are overly sensitive (e.g., "I am very sensitive. I let my emotions control my behaviour.") and cry frequently.

Preoccupied individuals have a negative self-model. They hve little confidence in themselves and tend to be highly dependent on others for self-esteem (e.g., "It doesn't matter if I depend on him too much.")  Preoccupied individuals also tend to be jealous and to suffer from separation anxiety.

Preoccupied individuals have a positive other-model. They desperately seek the company and attention of others, and tend to be overly demanding of closeness in relationships. They are very affectionate, sometimes to the point of being problematic. For example, one individual said: "I want to be huggy-pooh, kissy-face all the time, and he's just no, no, no." These individuals have an insatiable need for attention and approval, so much so that they are likely to drive others away (e.g., "I scare them to death because I'm so affectionate and they get nervous.") They are high on proximity seeking, going to others as a source of support whenever possible. They often cry in front of others to gain attention and support (e.g., "I always cry with other people--why else would you cry?"). They tend to be overly or indiscriminately self-disclosing. They are commonly in conflict with others. They give the impression that others can never give enough of themselves; thus, they are often concerned that they are not valued sufficiently by others.

For preoccupied individuals, close friendships are usually very important. They expect a great deal out of friends, sometimes stressing the need for a single best friend. Because of their high demands, they often view their friends as unreliable or insufficiently supportive or available. These individuals often feel as if they are being taken advantage of. Their friendships are characterized by extreme self-disclosure, enmeshment, and conflict. However, to preoccupied individuals, romantic relationships are usually the highest priority and this often causes conflict between romances and friendships. This conflict can take many forms: ignoring friends when in a romantic relationships, using friends to manipulate a romantic partner, or viewing friends as potential sexual partners or as competition for sexual partners (e.g., "Girls bug me. I hate girls. Maybe because they're competition.")

To preoccupied individuals, romantic relationships are of critical importance (e.g., "When I have a boyfriend, he becomes my everything. He takes up all my extra time and my energy and my thought. For me to half way like someone just doesn't work. I just can't do that .... I wouldn't date someone that I wouldn't consider marrying.") They may worry about never finding someone to share their life with (e.g., "I'm just a total worry-wart. I worry that I'll never meet somebody and then, on the other hand, I worry that I've already met her."), but are likely to have been constantly involved in romantic relationships. For example, one preoccupied individual described how after the break-up of her first relationship she immediately became involved with someone else: "I was running to somebody else for affection. I couldn't be alone." They are likely to become emotionally involved very quickly in new relationships, often "falling in love" almost immediately. They do not see their present relationship or partner in a realistic light, tending to idealize them, and this idealization can reach extreme proportions in new relationships.

Their relationships are punctuated by emotional extremes, including anger, passion, jealousy, and possessiveness. They tend to initiate conflict (e.g., "I love to argue but it's hard to argue by yourself"), and they openly express their feelings and insecurities in relationships. They are more invested in the relationship than their partners and more dominant. They are clingy or dependent in their relationships, and very demanding of their partners. The dominance and intrusiveness of the preoccupied is often reflected in an extreme desire to be needed, to look after, or to "fix" romantic partners (e.g., "The basis of our attraction, I think, was that he was at a point in his life when he really needed a mother - someone to really love him. And I was just dying to be loved and to be needed. And I had so much inside of me to pour out to someone, and he was the perfect recipient for all of my affection. To be needed is a really big thing to me.") Finally, preoccupied individuals have a hard time breaking off relationships, sometimes remaining in relationships despite severe problems (e.g., "I felt like I would do anything to keep that relationship going .... I felt like I totally tried to subordinate my personality to be with him and I was the one that was just hanging by a thread to see if I could keep it going.")

DISMISSING: Positive self-model, negative other-model

Key Features: low elaboration and coherence, downplays importance of relationships, high self-confidence, avoidance of intimacy & compulsive self-reliance

Dismissing individuals are not elaborative. They come across as cool (or cold and arrogant in the extreme), matter-of-fact, rational, unemotional, and aloof. Their interviews are characterized by poor elaboration, a striking absence of introspection and realistic evaluation of their relationship experiences (though on occasion they may present an highly intellectualized relationship account), and defensiveness. They sometimes engage in defensive laughter.

When confronted with problems or upsetting matters, dismissing individuals distract themselves from their emotions, downplay the importance of the problem, and actively avoid going to others for support (e.g., "I like to withdraw or suppress anything I'm feeling. I wouldn't show it to anyone.") Dismissing individuals are not emotionally reactive or expressive and rarely cry.

Dismissing individuals have a positive self-model. They have a moderate to high sense of self-confidence. When asked what others think of them, they may reply that others see them as obnoxious, aloof, arrogant, smart, argumentative, critical, as a smart ass, serious, or reserved. However, they are likely to express that they "don't care" about what others think of them, or in some instances, that they "don't know". For example, in response to the question "Do you expect people to like you?", one dismissing individual said: "No, not at all. In fact, if anything I really take a stand - this person can like me or this person can hate me - either way, it really doesn't matter to me." These individuals tend toward emotional independence (i.e., they are compulsively self-reliant).  They tend not to be jealous nor to be anxious when separated from significant others.

Dismissing individuals have a negative other-model. They give the impression that they don't like other people very much (e.g., "A lot of people are not worth getting to know.") They are commonly cynical and overly critical of others. They are cool and maintain an emotional distance from others. They are uncomfortable with affection (e.g., "I'm just not that kind of person"). They are low in proximity seeking, actively avoiding going to others for support. They are particularly unlikely to cry in front of others (e.g., "I'm not going to cry in front of someone. I'm not going to cry if my life depended on it. I'm going to stop myself at all odds.") They engage in low self-disclosure with others and avoid interpersonal conflict. Dismissing individuals downplay the importance of relationships, and stress the importance of independence, freedom, and achievement. For example, one individual said: "I don't expect full commitment and I don't expect to give it - freedom, freedom I think is the important element."

Dismissing individuals may describe their friendships as fine. However, their friendships tend to be superficial, being founded primarily on mutual interests or activities rather than emotional closeness. The most striking aspect of the friendships of dismissing individuals is the low level of disclosure (e.g., "There are many personal things I won't talk about with anyone"; "I don't like to bring up my problems with friends but I can bring up minor ones or ask advice, like I would do to just anyone.") These individuals prefer not to go to their friends for help or support. As with the secure, the dismissing may be more or less outgoing and extraverted; it is the emotional connection or intimacy that is lacking.

The romantic relationships of dismissing individuals are characterized by a lack of intimacy or closeness and low self-disclosure and emotional expressiveness. These individuals are less involved in the relationship than their partners. They tend to be low in affection in relationships and prefer to avoid conflict or other emotional displays. In addition to not relying on their partners for support, they are uncomfortable with requests for support or indications of dependence in their partners. They often shy from commitment and are quick to feel trapped or bored in relationships (e.g., "I lose interest after every relationship no matter what my partner's personality is like"; "I was involved with a girl but it really didn't mean much to me.") Some common reasons that dismissing individuals offer for not being currently involved in a relationship include: not interested, too busy, focused on work or achievement, don't need, get bored easily, don't want commitment or dependence on me, too picky, and want to "play the field" (e.g., "I'm not interested in giving up a lot of my own time for someone else"). It should be noted that many dismissing individuals are in long-term romantic relationships; again it is the approach to and quality of these relationships, rather than their presence or absence, that is critical.

Note:

The four-category model conceptualizes working models that are more or less consciously held, though they tend to operate automatically. We presume that at some unconscious level prototypical dismissing individuals do feel negatively about themselves, and their adoption of a detached stance toward others is a way of defending a fragile sense of self from potential hurt by others. Similarly, the positive other-model of the preoccupied masks a less conscious negative model of others, with the tendency to idealize others acting as a defense against acknowledging that significant others are, at least at times, uncaring and unavailable. The disparate self and other models of the dismissing and preoccupied can be understood in terms of Bowlby's conception of multiple models (1973). Prototype ratings should reflect the overall organization of an individual's way of talking about relationships, their representations or expectations of relationships, and their characteristic approaches to relationships.

See Bartholomew (1990, 1993) and Bartholomew & Horowitz (1991) for further discussion of the prototypes.