CNN Funny Transcripts 01
10.19.2000
Well, I've started something new to JNN's CNN section. Here are a few funny transcripts that I was able to dig through in the last little while. Some of them might be a little out-dated, but still worth reading. Enjoy this first installment. I might continue this sort of thing if all goes well.
Crossfire
Will the President Need a Pardon When He Leaves Office?
Aired April 14, 2000 - 7:30 p.m. ET
(Closing comments segment.)
MILLER: And I agree, Clinton was dumb to get us into this. But it took a lot of other stuff. And if there was any justice in this world, Bill Clinton would be able to sue for a third term.
MATALIN: Whew.
MILLER: From the left, I'm Matt Miller sitting in for Bill Press. Good night for CROSSFIRE.
MATALIN: And if he did, we'd all move to Canada. From the right, I'm Mary Matalin.
Have a wonderful weekend. And join us again next week for more CROSSFIRE.
Comments: Since I'm Canadian I thought I'd put this one up.
Morning News
Web Site Quizzes on American History
Aired July 4, 2000 - 9:17 a.m. ET
BILL HEMMER, CNN ANCHOR: Today being the Fourth of July, we thought we'd test your knowledge and see how well you know your American history.
Time now for an interactive quiz brought to us by my partner, Daryn Kagan, at CNN.com down at Interactive for more.
Hey, Daryn.
DARYN KAGAN, CNN ANCHOR: Hey, Bill.
I snuck away there...
HEMMER: I see that.
KAGAN: ... while you weren't looking to check out what they're doing here at CNN.com. The lead story today on CNN.com, Fourth of July, not too surprising. All you have to do is go to CNN.com. You'll see a big illustration here, click on that, maybe twice. All right, there we go.
And then we have a whole number of things down here. Now one thing that's fun to do, because a lot of folks live far away from their relatives, is what other folks are doing in other parts of the country today. So you can click on what's called events guide, click there and you have your whole map, let's see.
Our executive producer, Jen Marnowsky (ph), she's getting married this weekend. Let's see what her family in Chicago is doing before they all head off to the wedding. In Chicago, well, it tells us in Chicago, beware, in Chicago they celebrate Fourth of July on July 3. So if you haven't done it and gone out to the lakefront to see the fireworks yesterday, then you missed out.
Also a real fun thing, and Bill and I were talking about this, there is a -- well, we'll go back again. There's a quiz finding out how much you think you know about Fourth of July and also about America. So, Bill, listen in to this.
HEMMER: Let her rip.
KAGAN: I told you before, as we begin quiz, it's kind of hard. So here is the first question. What was the first country to recognize the United States as an independent nation?
HEMMER: France.
KAGAN: Was it France, Morocco or Portugal? You guessed France, I think we're going to take a break here and we'll tell you the right answer when we come back. But note that; Bill Hemmer picked France as the first country to recognize the U.S. We'll tell you the answer right after this.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
HEMMER: Daryn?
KAGAN: Yes.
HEMMER: Do you have an answer?
KAGAN: Oh, we're back, OK.
Yes, we're back here at CNN.com. The first question on the quiz on CNN.com about Fourth of July: What was the first country to recognize the United States as an independent nation?
Bill, you didn't even hesitate for a second. You went right to France.
HEMMER: How'd I do?
KAGAN: Is that your final answer?
HEMMER: That's my final answer, Rege.
KAGAN: Buzz.
HEMMER: Oh really?
KAGAN: You'd think so, you would think so, but you would be wrong. Actually, the right answer is Morocco.
HEMMER: Interesting.
KAGAN: How about that? Yes.
HEMMER: I figured, you know, the independence movements kind of coincided with each other and that was a good pick, and obviously I was wrong.
KAGAN: It was good thinking, and in the interest of complete disclosure, when I took the quiz the first time, I guessed France, too.
Want to show you one other thing here before we get away. There's also a gallery where you can see -- you know the tall ships that we were showing you, where Gary Tuchman was? the 21-gun salute?
HEMMER: Sure.
KAGAN: Well, just click on here and you go where the pictures are. All right, let's try that, there we go. And look at all the pictures you can see, you can keep going. All the tall ships.
Lots of fun things, more of those quiz questions, I'll be testing you, my friend, throughout the morning.
HEMMER: OK.
KAGAN: And putting you in your place, I would like to say.
HEMMER: Come on back upstairs and through me a lifeline, will you?
KAGAN: You're going to do it.
HEMMER: Thank you, Daryn.
Comments: I actually didn't get to see this segment, as it was too early for me to start watching CNN. Anyway, as being a big fan of Bill and Daryn, I could just picture it in my mind. And I did take the quiz and picked France on my first try...
Morning News
Jamie Lee Curtis Discusses Children's Book 'Where Do Balloons Go?'
Aired September 8, 2000 - 9:33 a.m. ET
DARYN KAGAN, CNN ANCHOR: We all know Jamie Lee Curtis as an acclaimed actress, but she's also an accomplished author of children's books. And she has a new book out. It's called "Where Do Balloons Go?"
Jamie Lee Curtis joins us live from New York to talk about it.
Jamie Lee, good morning.
JAMIE LEE CURTIS, ACTRESS/AUTHOR, "WHERE DO BALLOONS GO?": Good morning, Daryn.
KAGAN: Good to see you.
CURTIS: By the way, my husband thinks you and I are twin sisters separated at birth.
BILL HEMMER, CNN ANCHOR: I agree.
CURTIS: You agree?
KAGAN: Bill, my co-anchor -- my TV husband agrees with that as well.
CURTIS: I know. And we love you together, by the say, my husband and I, I'm just saying.
KAGAN: Well, thank you. That is a high compliment. Tell your husband I say thank you very much.
CURTIS: OK, I will.
KAGAN: Let's talk the book...
CURTIS: I'm happy to.
KAGAN: ... "Where Do Balloons Go?" And who is Rachel Evans (ph), who, you mention at the end of the book, asked the question?
CURTIS: Rachel Evans is actually a little girl who had a birthday party after somebody undid all the balloons and they went up into this gray, black sky, looked at her mommy and said, mommy, where do balloons go? And it was at that moment that I thought I had been struck by lightning by this idea of a child asking such a beautiful, simple question. And I knew right then that it was going to be a great book.
KAGAN: And from there you go -- how does this work, because I know you work very closely with Laura Cornell.
CURTIS: Yes.
KAGAN: She illustrates your books. You then come up with the idea, write it, and then she comes up with the pictures?
CURTIS: Yes, I wrote the book very quickly. It's -- you know, it's a perfect book to start talking about imagination with children. You know, a child's imagination is probably one of the most beautiful, natural things that human beings have. And it's only after we become adults and become jaded that we lose it.
And so the idea of, where do balloons go? the limitless possibilities of the stories that could be told is really what the book's about. It takes a balloon through the journey of where we -- it could possibly go. "Does it tango with airplanes or Cha Cha with birds? Can plain balloons read balloons printed with words?"
KAGAN: I also notice in the end of the book, the final words are, "let go"...
CURTIS: Yes.
KAGAN: ... that you have to let go, the child has to let go. Am I trying to read too much symbolism into this?
CURTIS: No, the whole idea is that if you take it from a parent's point of view, we have to let go of our children...
KAGAN: Right.
CURTIS: ... that we have to watch them go through their life's adventures and we have to let go of them.
From a child's standpoint, holding onto something too tight makes the preciousness of it too important, and that anything, as we've learned in life, that you appreciate, you have to be able to let go of it. And so hopefully it's -- it touches both child and adult.
You know, the books that I write really are for both children and adults. You know, picture books are meant to be read to children by adults, and so therefore you have to write a book where the parent can also glean from a book wonderful humor as well as emotion.
KAGAN: So now you've spoken to children and to adults through books on adoption, on feeling, imagination. Are you waiting for the next muse to strike, or do you already have the next one ready to go?
CURTIS: I actually have a new book about mothers, like a love poem for mommies coming up.
KAGAN: That'll be nice.
CURTIS: I have to show you something, Daryn.
KAGAN: OK.
CURTIS: I'm the VoiceStream -- it's a wireless company, I'm their spokesperson.
KAGAN: Yes.
CURTIS: I just have to show you the phone that they sent me. Can you zoom in on this phone?
KAGAN: I don't know if they can do...
CURTIS: Can you guys zoom in?
KAGAN: OK, we're going to try. Tell us about it as they're doing it.
CURTIS: It is the cover of my book.
KAGAN: Oh.
CURTIS: How great is that? It's actually -- the actual cover of my book is on my VoiceStream phone. It matches the book.
KAGAN: Great advertisement. Inside the book, there are stickers as well.
CURTIS: It's fabulous. You know what they are? They're reusable stickers so that you can actually peel them up. Remember when we were kids, the colorform-like kind of stickers?
KAGAN: Right.
CURTIS: And you can move it around. And here's the purple balloon that he lets go of. And then you can push it in the book. And there's a play space in the front and the back of the book. So it's a little added something.
KAGAN: A little interactive action as well.
CURTIS: A little something added for the car rides or the airplane.
KAGAN: And it won't stick permanently. I know the moms will like that.
CURTIS: No, no, they're reusable stickers.
KAGAN: Quickly as we say good-bye, when are we going to see you on the Big Screen?
CURTIS: I actually just finished a film with Pierce Brosnan and Geoffrey Rush called "The Tailor of Panama." You've seen me on the small screen doing commercials for VoiceStream. And, you know, you'll see me at school if you live in California, because both my kids are in school and I'm, you know...
KAGAN: Doing the mom thing.
CURTIS: Well, very, very active in the mom thing.
KAGAN: Good for you. When the mommy book comes out, you'll have to stop by again.
CURTIS: Oh, you'll want to give it to all mommies, you know.
KAGAN: Appreciate it. Well, I'm going to give this book to my 3-year-old nephew, Jack. We've been doing a lot of pretending.
CURTIS: Well, I wish I was there to sign it for him. And, listen, maybe you and I need to get together and find out a little more about our past.
KAGAN: Where do you get your hair cut?
CURTIS: You know, it's more than a haircut. I mean, my husband says, you know...
HEMMER: Separated at birth.
CURTIS: It was separated at birth. And if they ever make a movie about your life...
KAGAN: You have the part.
CURTIS: I'm in.
KAGAN: You are in. If I could ever be interesting enough, then you've got it.
CURTIS: You are interesting. I'm telling you, you guys are my favorite and it's thrilling that I get to talk to you.
KAGAN: We love it. Jamie Lee Curtis. Once again, the book's called, "Where Do Balloons Go?"
CURTIS: "Where Do Balloons Go?"
KAGAN: Good luck with the book.
CURTIS: "An uplifting mystery."
KAGAN: "An Uplifting Mystery" -- yes, we must get the tag line in. Thanks for stopping by.
CURTIS: Bye. Bye, Bill.
HEMMER: So long.
KAGAN: Jamie says bye. Great.
HEMMER: I'm seeing double. Tell your husband hello, too. Still to come here...
KAGAN: Yes. You don't look anything like him. I've seen pictures.
HEMMER: Right. There you go.
Comments: One helluva celeb piece here folks. Great segment to start your day with Morning News. Yep, Jamie Lee Curtis and Daryn look quite similar; separated at birth (hee-hee). For you Daryn Kagan fans out there, she's still single.
Inside Politics
Decision to Tap Strategic Oil Reserve Fuels Campaign Debate
Aired September 22, 2000 - 5:00 p.m. ET
SCHNEIDER: Think Bush can score a comeback in the debates next month? There is more than one kind of kiss after all.
The Olympics think they have everything. But they don't have competitive kissing. That's reserved for politics, and for the political play of the week.
(END VIDEOTAPE)
And I have a little something special for you, too, Judy. Would you like a little kiss?
Here.
WOODRUFF: Sure, Bill...
(LAUGHTER)
... I thought you were serious.
SCHNEIDER: That's for you.
WOODRUFF: You shouldn't have, Bill.
SCHNEIDER: Well, it's part of the political tradition.
WOODRUFF: It's a good ad for Hershey's. Thanks a lot.
I gave him my cheek, but he didn't take it, all right.
Bill Schneider, thanks a lot.
That's all for this edition of INSIDE POLITICS. But, of course, you can go on-line all the time at CNN's allpolitics.com.
In these weekend programming notes: House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt will be the guest tomorrow on "EVANS, NOVAK, HUNT AND SHIELDS," that's at 5:30 p.m. Eastern.
Whitewater independent counsel Robert Ray will be among the guests on "LATE EDITION," that's at noon Eastern on Sunday.
Also on "LATE EDITION," Republican vice presidential nominee Dick Cheney.
I'm Judy Woodruff, with a kiss. "WORLDVIEW" is next.
Comments: Sweet closing. Maybe too sweet.
CNN Late Edition
John McCain Discusses the Upcoming Presidential Debate
Aired October 1, 2000 - 12:00 p.m. ET
SESNO: I'm going to depart with tradition here, Joe, as we say goodbye to you and we're actually going to give you some gifts on behalf of LATE EDITION. We feel all appropriate and they all fit in with the ethical constraints that you would have lived under and that we still live under.
LOCKHART: Why do I not see this as selfless act on (OFF-MIKE).
SESNO: It is selfless -- it is a selfless act. First we want to give you the stack of newspapers that you will no longer have to work through every day, but we want you to take them home.
LOCKHART: I appreciate that because I have not worked through these today yet.
SESNO: Secondly, we want to give you a tape of your very last briefing if you don't already have one.
LOCKHART: I don't and this is very nice.
SESNO: Finally, you know, you've been in journalism and behind the podium, we want to give you your very own CNN cap. You can do that, and lastly, no comment on either the people you've worked with in the White House or in the press corp, your very own snake to take home with you.
LOCKHART: There you go, I think in each -- there's a bit little of truth in all of these things here, so I appreciate it.
SESNO: Joe Lockhart good luck in what lies ahead. Thank you, appreciate your time.
Comments: Damn, I wish I had a CNN cap. Dammit!
Crossfire
Genetically Modified Food: Is It Safe?
Aired September 19, 2000 - 7:30 p.m. ET
NOVAK: Congressman Kucinich, I have to make an admission, I love tacos. Now, I really love them when they're filled with high cholesterol beef and beans and onions and things. But I'm going take a little bite of this unfilled taco shell.
PRESS: Is there a doctor in the house?
NOVAK: Am I risking my life? Am I going make my wife a widow by eating Taco Bell taco shells?
PRESS: Here, Bob, have another bite?
(LAUGHTER)
REP. DENNIS KUCINICH (D), OHIO: Yo no quiero Taco Bell.
Comments: That part made my stomach a little queasy.