I am a bit familiar with the works of Dr. Seuss. The way his books have hit the big screen constitutes child abuse. Seuss was expert in how to write for children. The people who adapt his work to the big screen seem to have no clue what it's like to be a child. Neither does The Cat (Mike Myers) in the live-action version of "The Cat In The Hat." Plot When he comes to the Walden residence, he scares young Sally (Dakota Fanning) and Conrad (Spencer Breslin). Their mother, realtor Joan Walden (Kelly Preston) has to report for work for her obsessive-compulsive boss, Hank Humberfloob (Sean Hayes), even though she has to host a work-related party at her house that night. Meanwhile, Joan's boyfriend, Lawrence Quinn (Alec Baldwin), encourages Joan to send Conrad, who's the unruly child, to military school. If her children are unruly, or the party fails in any other way, Hank promises Joan that she will lose her job. Joan calls on Mrs. Kwan (Amy Hill) to babysit her kids, and she promptly falls asleep. 

The Cat then proceeds to turn the house into a mess, with a little help from Thing 1 and Thing 2. The presence of The Cat throws the family fish (voiced by Hayes) into a state of hysteria. The mess catches Lawrence's attention, and he heads to Joan's workplace to snitch on Sally and Conrad. When The Cat unleashes the Things from their crate, the family dog gets a hold of the lock. They have to retrieve the lock before the residence becomes a total wreck. They also have to head into town to thwart Lawrence. The Things create a diversion for Joan, while The Cat and the kids try to return everything to normal. 

"The Cat In The Hat" is mean-spirited toward the kids, and is even more mean-spirited toward the adults. The Walden children are surrounded by people who should never be their role models. Not one adult comes across as a sympathetic character. Joan should know better about Mrs. Kwan's propensity for napping, and Lawrence and Hank are absolutely obnoxious and selfish. The adults are not the least bit appealing. As for Myers, he has no chemistry with Fanning or Breslin, who are the best parts of this movie. He comes to the home not as the spirit of fun, but as the spirit of a stand-up comic. In fact, Myers changes his voice so many times, he seems like he's playing Robin Williams playing The Cat. The voice he adopts most often, though, sounds like Myers's Linda Richman character from "Saturday Night Live." In fact, The Cat often uses skits to entertain, such as using an infomercial to get Sally and Conrad to get a device guaranteed to create a mess. He even needs a gadget to see what sort of fun is needed. The Cat should know this instinctively. The low point, though, comes when Sally, Conrad, and The Cat are on a slide, and Myers turns toward the camera and makes a shameless plug for the Universal Studios theme park. This feline doesn't show Sally and Conrad how to have fun; he shows them how to be consumers. 

"The Cat In The Hat" marks the feature film debut of Bo Welch, best known in Hollywood as a production designer. The community in the film looks like a live variation of Seuss's vision, but that's about all that's faithful to his work. This film has no direction; it's just a series of skits that just barely run long enough to constitute a feature-length film. There's exactly one funny moment in this poor excuse for a movie. When The Cat first enters, he finds a coat hanger, puts Mrs. Kwan on it, and throws her in the closet. "The Cat In The Hat" otherwise does not have any true sense of playfulness. The only ones who are playful at all are Fanning and Breslin. It's fun to watch Conrad try and convince the prim and proper Sally to bounce on their mother's couch. Unfortunately, they're the only ones who seem to understand what they're supposed to be doing. I get the feeling that if somebody had let these children direct the movie, they would have done better than Welch. 

I said this when the live-action "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" was released, and I'll say it again here. Don't introduce children to the work of Dr. Seuss with the live-action "The Cat In The Hat." Read the books to them, or let them read the books to you. Catch up to the animated features Seuss and Chuck Jones helped to create. Mike Myers can claim he played The Cat In The Hat, but in reality, all he is is a pale imitation of a beloved children's character.

