How I Met My Wife
by Jack Winter
Published 25 July 1994 - The New Yorker
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones
about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the
hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper,
so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even
though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be
peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might
cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances
that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become
persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to
sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who
usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What
a perfect nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation became more
and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was
defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she
wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the
party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my
love, and she has requited it.
This page last updated 19 JA 2004.