Was anyone else slightly anxious as they were preparing for this particular interview?  I found myself rereading the McAdams article, highlighting the sections that needed to be relayed to my interviewer, my friend Jackson whom happens to be a youth/adolescent social worker, and wondering "how would I answer that question, or talk about that painful memory, truthfully in front of a friend?"  So even before the interview took place, I guess I was experiencing my first realization: I, as the interviewee, was apprehensive about sharing my ideas with someone I knew (interviewer) as I was afraid of having my ideas judged.  Would this be the same if Jackson had not been the interviewer, but instead some stranger asked me the questions?

Surprisingly, at least to myself, as we got underway, this anxiety slowly dissipated (I know this because the urge for a cigarette was not all encompassing as it was at the beginning, but rather went away, and then came back at times of discomfort).  The first section of the interview, the chapters of the "Book of Beev" felt shallow at first.  What I mean by this is that after Jackson asked me the question (a question that I already knew was coming), I spent several moments silently contemplating a response, as I didn't know how to organize my chapters in a succinct manner.  Had I accomplished enough in life to have 'themes' for my chapters like school, work and love, or would I resort to the quasi-chronological periods of my life as themes?  I resorted to the quasi-chronological, as Jackson, seeing that I was having difficulty, re-phrased the question several times to try to make it a little easier.

It was odd trying to talk about the phases of my life, for I thought I'd be able to describe them in great detail, describing them in regard to the type of person I was then.  But the truth is, I didn't really know the kind of person I was then, all I could really remember or explain was the comparison of that memory of myself to the person I am now.  Or put another way, I seemed to impose on every description of my past 'world views' a piece of my current understanding...I find I actively (consciously) question what is currently around me, and that is how I remembered the previous chapters of my life.  Only now, as I write this (two days removed), am I questioning whether this is in fact true.  As I remembered my chapters two days ago, I saw myself asking questions all the time, but as I think about it now, was I transferring this current personality trait onto those past memories?  And if the answer yes, which I believe it to be, are not all memories, when recalled and reflected upon, focused through a lens which represents our current outlook.

I ended up naming my chapters, first by the years they corresponded to, but eventually, as I referred back to them, with a few words that captured the essence of that chapter: 1) Familial Upbringing (zero to 6/7), 2) Grandparents and Duty (6/7 to 13ish), 3) Questioning, 4) University Beev, 5) Ore Truck of Solitude and the retreat from Solitude, and 6) Grad School Beev.  As I continued on with the later sections of the interview, I was conscious of "wait, didn't I already mention this during the chapter overviews?"  For some reason, I had it in my mind that what I talked about later should rise-above my earlier comments.  This stayed with me throughout the interview, but now, with some time to reflect, I'm beginning to see the relationships between the chapter overviews and say the significant people in my life.  These types of connections and relationships were present as I spoke in the interview, indeed, Jackson would notice that I was hesitant (as I thought I was just repeating myself) and try to draw the comment out of me by asking more detailed questions, or even shaking her head in acknowledgement.  I can't really explain all of Jackson's minute shifts in her listening style...I know that sounds odd, but she would reposition her body (open/closed postures), tilt her head, look me in the eye when I turned to her during a particularly difficult moment.  I was amazed at the strength and/or courage I received from her 'listening', and think I probably provided more details of memories than I had envisioned walking into the interview, and my anxiety seemed to disappear as she became my source of strength for pushing past my own internal barriers.  No doubt, Jackson being a trained social worker allowed her to recognize these moments of difficulty for me and adjust herself accordingly, but I wonder to what degree an interviewer needs to be versed in these practices – namely, empathy?  And what is the best way to go about learning to be an empathetic interviewer/listener?

The beginning and end of the chapters, or the transitions, proved at first to be quite unwieldy, as I could not provide Jackson with a succinct date/time/event, but rather a culmination of events and reactions that seemed to shift me into a new direction.  At first I struggled with this idea of not being able to just turn the page into the new chapter, and only when Jackson explicated this reality (something like 'it seems like your transitions span some time and events') did I feel comfortable about it.  In fact, I went back and elaborated on a few.  Again, my anxiety was allayed by someone simply saying out loud what I was thinking.

After the interview (as I'm not going to get into too many more of the details), Jackson turned to me and said 'thank you', but I felt as though, as McAdams indicated, it should be me saying the thanks.  I talked about several moments in my past, that while always at the periphery of my mind, never really come out as there seems to be some emotion (that I do not really wish to engage with) attached to those memories.  Jackson mentioned 'guilt' or remorse, or perhaps it was regret, I'm not really sure, but for a time, during the interview and perhaps for a time after, I didn't have those feelings I might have attached, I simply had the memories...and for a short moment, I almost felt as though I could remember how I truly felt back then.

References:

McAdams, Dan P. (1993). Personal Myths and the Making of the Self. New York: William Morrow and Co..

Comments may be directed to Bhuvinder S. Vaid.

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